so i just wikipediad quarter-life crisis because i remember that line from john mayer’s song “why georgia”, and i am kinda sorta FREAKED OUT about being a 20-something.

feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level

frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career

confusion of identity

insecurity regarding the near future

insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals

insecurity regarding present accomplishments

re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships

disappointment with one’s job

nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life

tendency to hold stronger opinions

boredom with social interactions

loss of closeness to high school and college friends

financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)

loneliness

desire to have children

a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

fuuuuuuuuck.

last chance – today i bought:

• a tissue-weight cashmere wrap in winter white ($9.97)
• a long and fun viscose-cotton sunflower-yellow scarf ($9.97)

today was an off day, though i was kind of in denial about it which led me to walk around aimlessly for like, three hours.

the way i feel about turning 21 is like the way someone feels about turning 50.

wikipedia offers this about a “midlife crisis“:

a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the “middle years” of life, as a result of sensing the passing of youth and the imminence of old age.

also, characteristics i share with other 49-year-olds:

Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:

• search of an undefined dream or goal (obvious.)
• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished (8 child prodigies so amazing they’ll ruin your day.)
• desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

They exhibit some of these behaviors:

• abuse of alcohol (i’m still in college so it’s okay?)
• conspicuous consumption — acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewellery, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, etc. (obvious.)
• depression
• paying special attention to physical appearances

huh.

-steph

seeing as i am broke and itching for new clothes, i figured i’d hop on over al armario de mi madre.

gosh, i could spend hours in there. my mom is a major clothes-hoarder. instead of donating all the stuff me and jenny don’t want anymore, she picks and chooses things that are too nice to part with for her and saves them. i would say 1/3 of my mom’s closet is actually me and jenny’s clothes dating back to when we were 3-years-old.

anyway, if you dig underneath all the ann taylor separates and faded children’s clothing, there are a few pieces of vintage gold. i wish i could take pictures to do them justice but i am without camera so boo.

i found a wonderful pair of dark blue high-waisted shorts that i am very excited about wearing. and a perfect-fitting black pencil skirt. pretty darn exciting!

i think it makes it infinitely more special too because my mommy wore them!! she says a lot of the things i like are things that she actually got at thrift stores. oh, the stories woven into these fabrics!

lalala,
steph

watched “akeelah and the bee”. in one part, akeelah’s spelling coach/mentor asks her to read this quotation aloud after she doubts herself.

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  actually, who are you not to be?  you are a child of God. your playing small does not serve the world.  there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  we are all meant to shine, as children do.  we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  it’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- marianne williamson

an excerpt from under the tuscan sun by frances mayes i liked.  it’s her thinking as she explores sovana, italy, which “has the feeling of a ghost town in California, except that the few houses along the main street are immensely old.  People are outnumbered, it seems, by Etruscan tombs built into the hillsides.”

In places such as Machu Picchu, Palenque, Mesa Verde, Stonehenge, and now here, I always have the odd and somber consciousness of how time peels us off, how irretrievable the past really is, especially in these hot spots where you sense some matrix of the culture took place.  We can’t help but push our own interpretations on them.  It’s a deep wish of philosophers and poets to search for theories of eternal return and time past being time present.  Bertrand Russell was closer when he said the universe was created five minutes ago.  We can’t recover the slightest gesture of those who chopped out this rock, not the placing of the first stone, the lighting of a fire to make lunch, the stirring of a pot, the sniffing of an underarm, the sigh after lovemaking, niente.  We can walk here, the latest little dots on the time line.  Knowing that, it always amazes me that I am immensely interested in how the map is folded, where the gas gauge is pointed, whether we have withdrawn enough cash, how everything matters intensely even as it is disappearing.

my mom and i just cut up a jackfruit, which was 1000% harder than i thought it would be. it was a sticky, sticky mess, especially since we were trying to separate the seeds so they could be boiled and eaten later (? ok, mom). anyway, a quick trip to wikipedia reveals that the sticky sap of jackfruit is sometimes used for glue, and many people, before preparing the jackfruit, cover their hands in coconut oil or parrafin to avoid sticking. huh. i washed my hands 3 times with soap already and it was still sticky! then my mom told me to rub my hands with rice, which was a strange thought and i initially brushed it off. five minutes later while i’m trying to type with sticky fingers on my laptop, i surrender and trot downstairs to rice-wash my hands. surprisingly, it worked! i think it was like, rice dust that coated my hands or something? who knows. my mom says all the sticky stuff is stuck on the rice now. interesting experience, apparently worth blogging about.

-steph

i feel so unproductiveeeeeeee.

i applied to be a chacha.com guide.  i need moneyyyy and i do not think businesses are looking for employees that can only stay one month-ish before they go back to school 2 hours away.  anyway, fingers crossed!!!

i would love a digital camera as to revisit my inner photographer and express my fabulousness.

in true “in-your-20s-finding-yourself” fashion, i feel like i have no anchor in my life.  i don’t know – i float from day to day, but nothing is really anchoring me to the present moment, the “now” of mr. tolle.  i don’t feel like i have any distinguishing “me” characteristics – this isn’t true most of the time i think, but right now, i feel like all these strange things i thought were special about me, they really aren’t that special.  there’s facebook groups and online forums for most of my quirks, i’m sure.  i don’t know???  *identity crisis*

hm,
steph

so whilst shopping the other day, a situation came up that keeps popping up in my mind.  because i’ve had so much to think about in the last couple days, i’ve kind of pushed it to the back of my mind without fully thinking about it, especially since i didn’t think it was that complicated and i was just going nuts.

situation:

i found a pair of marc jacobs sunglasses that i loved.  very excited.
then i found a pair of burberry sunglasses that i loved even more.  very excited.
bought the burberry pair.

THAT’S ALL.

but the thing is – if i hadn’t seen the burberry pair, i would’ve been probably just as excited about buying the marc jacobs pair.  but after seeing the burberry pair, i didn’t think the marc jacobs ones were as great anymore.

mentioned this to andrew on a drive home (with hesitation, as clearly a v. simple situation that usually goes by unobserved), but he was feeling exceptionally philosophical also.  what we came up with:

it is all about perception.  he told a similar story about how when he was in italy, he and his roommate bought two bottles of inexpensive wine and then a bottle of expensive wine to see if there was a difference.  one of the inexpensive bottles had a rotted cork, and to them, it ruined the taste.  another guy on their trip came up later and had some of the rotted cork wine (they didn’t mention the cork and were trying to get rid of the bottle), and the guy thought it was the really expensive wine and LOVED it, offered to pay them and everything.

also, the situation is applicable to romantic relationships.  you could be in this relationship that you think is absolutely amazing (like the mj pair), but it’s only because you don’t see the better romantic match around the corner (the burberry pair).  and then the new, better romantic match comes along and you see how not that special the other guy is in comparison.

huh.

lovvve,
steph